My Sweet Stranger

Holding her while she falls asleep, spooned together with my hand cupping her soft cheek as she clutches my arm to her chest, I am thoughtful. I have been comforting her when she cries, feeding her every time she's hungry - even in the middle of the night. I am learning to love by giving - isn't that how it's designed to work? Whether it's your newborn, 6-year-old, or spouse...

But she is still a stranger. I find that the feelings I have for her are different than the feelings I have for my other three - the ones I know so well. There are glimpses of the overwhelming Mama-love, but it's definitely something that will grow, rather than something that hits me all at once.

We had some really sweet moments today. Sorting through the bin of hand-me-downs to find what fits now, what's too small, and what we'll keep for when she's bigger. She kept pulling things out of the bin, oohing and aahing over them, and with saucer-eyes, asking, "wo-de?" "mine?" Yes, sweetheart. A whole dresser full of clothes just for you.

She wanted to mow the lawn again - had a lot of fun mowing with Daddy on Wednesday, and was keen to do it again. I used the translator app to explain that we only had to do it when the grass was long - we'd do it again next week when siblings were at school. Where would Daddy be, she asked? Oh, he'll go to work on Monday. And what about Mama, she inquired? I'll be here with you. Squeals and happy hugs. I want Mama to come to school with me she says through the app. Lord, help her understand on Wednesday when the other three get on the bus that she's not going yet. Help her to still be happy that we'll be home together. And if she's not happy, help me find ways to comfort her.

We also had a 'top-five' struggle today too. Ca had been cutting out passport-sized photos of B, I, and myself (leftovers from the adoption process - sure you can use the scissors, sweetie!) and was all done. 6 neat little squares. She came in with them clutched in her hand and told me she wanted something. Her gestures made it look like she wanted some sort of writing implement, to write on the back of the photos. I happened to be sitting next to a cup containing pens, pencils, markers and highlighters. They were NOT what she wanted. Time for the app.

She continued gesturing, and the app was entirely unhelpful. Telling me that she was saying things like "coke eight" and "bail father." We tried a dictionary, but we couldn't tell which letters to use in pinyin. She was getting agitated. She's telling us, over and over, the name of the thing she wants, and both of us are completely unable to determine it. Poor dear was completely undone with frustration. I was trying to redirect her with juice and pretzels. Thankfully B didn't give up, and eventually found something in the dictionary that matched what she was saying and actually made sense. Ca wanted a glue stick. Of course! Found the glue stick, stroked hair, wiped tears, cleaned up the juice, and thanked the Lord for language tools, persistence, and for His provision of all.

As I begin to think about Monday, when B goes back to work and I'm home with the 4 kids all day, I begin to feel anxious. With B home, and both of us helping out, it's still all we can do to both shower, feed everyone, and barely keep up with the dishes. And Wednesday, when I have to juggle getting 3 kids on the bus and helping the fourth understand she's not going yet. And as I'm feeling overwhelmed, I walk into my living room and see this sign:

 

God knows completely what He's doing. He's got this, even when I don't. Father, help me to depend on you. Give me strength to give my kids what they need. Help me to remember your trustworthiness and sufficiency and to trust in it. Help us all to get to the bus on time and in one piece.

First family picture.

Have a silly day!