What does cancer have to do with it?

So Sunday God took the ideas that began brewing on Friday and turned my world on its figurative ear. You may recall that on Friday I was feeling overwhelmed and attempted to cut myself some emotional slack by indulging in a prolonged foray into self-pity. Well, on Sunday I had a wonderful conversation with a friend who shared with me about how God is blessing her through some hard things in her life. She mentioned an article by two teachers who I respect and who were diagnosed with cancer almost simultaneously. The article is called Don't Waste Your Cancer. One of the main points of the article was that someone with cancer would waste their cancer if they didn't believe that the challenge was designed by their loving Father God for their good. That's a pretty radical perspective to take on cancer, and I'm sure that not all of you agree with it. I've never had cancer, and I don't want to make light of the struggle that it is. But I think it's reasonable to say that most of the ideas in the article are applicable to any struggle we face - even ones far less trying than cancer. And I began to think about how I should not Waste This Tantrum. Specifically, I began to ponder the possibility that God has given me these struggles (that we are facing as Ca and S transition to our new family) to make me wiser, and especially to help me find my joy first - and most lastingly - in Him. The struggles are a gift, for my good. And it's changed my perspective dramatically.

6th(!) Week Since Adoption

It has seemed like a long week. Most days I've wanted to escape into brainless entertainment or sleep once the kids are all in bed. Having B around on the weekend gives me some mental and emotional space to think (and blog).

Tuesday's doctor's appointment went great. Thanks to all of you who were praying for us. I had spoken with her on Monday night about the plans for Tuesday. All morning on Tuesday Ca told me how she didn't want to go to the doctor and didn't want to get any shots. I assured her that I understood that she didn't want the shots. About 30 minutes before we would need to leave, I began to be concerned that I wouldn't be able to get her into the car. I called in some fabulous friends for an emergency visit to help with language, and she was willing to get into the car. I realized that I could express Ca's feelings and ask the doctor if we "really needed the shots." So when it was 'shot time,' we had a mock conversation where I expressed Ca's desire to NOT get the shots, and asked if there was any way we could avoid them. The very cooperative nurse explained (to me, in English) that no, we really needed them to keep Ca healthy. And I resignedly accepted that. And wouldn't you know, my sweet darling did too? Sat still, cooperated, exclaimed afterwards that it didn't hurt... Praise the Lord! And afterwards, we did this...

We shared. It was fabulous.

I am so humbled by her continued openness to us. She is sometimes so unreasonable and then floors me with how willing she is to accept a new plan, or someone's "no." I explained to Co earlier in the week that 'of course she's unreasonable with us sometimes - she doesn't share reasoning language with us!' And yet, during one of Friday's angry storms of tears, I was able to use my translation app to explain that I understood her frustration, and she calmed right down. Proof that she has the capacity to reason, she just lives with a bunch of people who speak the wrong language! (By the way, she wanted - perfectly sensibly - to be able to paint her fingernails by herself. No problem. She also wanted to have them look as beautiful as when I do it for her, and was really really frustrated that it wasn't working out that way.)

The development of her English skills is surprising all of us. We're also beginning to notice Chinese language loss, which is especially sad, and indicates to me that we'll be entering a difficult linguistic time soon.

I made a realization tonight at dinner. Ca was practicing her nightly litany of all the people who love her, and then commanding that all of us listen only to her and laugh at her jokes, (which ARE funny). It was rather irritating to have her be so self-focused and pushy. But then I realized that she was trying to learn to navigate something completely new. She probably never got this much affirmation at the orphanage, and probably had very limited (if any) opportunities to be self-determining. So she's trying to learn to live in a world where you sometimes get your way and you sometimes get everyone's attention - but how is she supposed to know which times you get your way and which times you get everyone's attention?  She's riding a pendulum at the moment - swung way out while trying to find the middle ground.

She delights in serving around all the servings of whatever's been dished up - and wants us all to thank her when the food is good. She reminds us all to pray (gestures the holding hands and closing eyes) and loudly says "MayMen!" at the end. She loves to help - vacuum, laundry, gardening, and is often fairly capable. Her laugh still delights me.

We have been trying to get everyone to SIT DOWN at the same time to eat. But between kids being involved in other activities, being blindingly angry, or otherwise uncooperative or unavailable, it has been a major challenge. Poor Ca is trying to understand why Mama and Daddy are asking her to come when it doesn't seem that anyone else is coming. And we're eating something she doesn't even want to eat! (Although I did make some pretty fabulous fried rice for dinner yesterday, and she gulped that down...)

Ca has been asking to sit on Daddy's lap at dinner, and he's said yes. But of course, when Ca gets to sit on Daddy's lap, everybody else wants to as well (to be honest, I hasn't asked). Which puts B on his new diet plan - if you can't reach your dinner, it's hard to eat your dinner. But boy, those kids are feeling loved!

We have determined that Ca is almost certainly chronically sleep deprived. She wakes early (4:30 am is typical) and sleeps restlessly for the last few hours. As soon as there's any activity - someone gets up or someone comes in (usually between 6-6:30) - she's up, awake for the day, and declaring her hunger. There is definitely some anxiety in that waking time. I went back and read my own blog post  to remind myself to be patient with sleep struggles. Attempts to get her to nap or to get to bed earlier have been soundly thwarted. We see that her exhaustion gives her fewer resources to cope with disappointment or being misunderstood. So this afternoon, B took her for a long car ride - drove laps around the expressways surrounding downtown. And she slept for 35 minutes and was generally much more pleasant. 

Friday was hard. B wasn't home until 7:00, and I'd had a really difficult day with Ca. I realized afterwards that I had been practicing to myself how difficult my day was, and feeling completely exhausted and generally martyr-like. Then I realized that this is my new normal and I need to find a way to live here rather than wishing for a break. Perhaps even embrace it as the season of life God has given me - for my good and His glory. Friday night I found this encouraging blog post. I'm not ready to embrace chaos-is-the-new-normal yet, but I'll keep you posted.

Ca rolled right into our annual family apple-picking tradition.

Had to stop for our traditional after-apple-picking snack - it's donut season!

Proof that all 6 of us went.

I'm pretty sure she already knew apples came from trees, but WOW! she had fun!

Oma came too!

Another Monday (3 weeks home)

It was such a blessing to worship with our church family on Sunday. Especially a blessing to be reminded that God calls and He equips, and He is the one who is making our family. This is the work he has for me today, and I can honor Him in how I do it. Lord, give me a heart that is focused on you instead of on my own comfort and convenience!

This morning, as Ca expressed her frustration over her bangs (gestured her desire to cut them off at the roots), we discovered that wide fabric headbands are a pretty good solution. Haven't found just the right ones yet, but she was SO HAPPY to have those bangs off her forehead. And yet, regularly refuses my offers of barrettes, help with cute ponytails, etc. We'll keep working on finding a good hair solution and keep praying for patience.

Today I watched our sweet Ca with the first gift-wrapped gift I've seen her receive. (Everything else has been in gift bags). We were outside visiting with a neighbor because Ca wasn't quite ready to go inside our house after our trip to the grocery store. (While my groceries from our trip were all sitting on the counter...) Another neighbor stopped by to deliver a gift for our "new baby." Again, we saw the saucer-eyes. A stranger is giving me a gift? Mine? And I wondered what would happen next. It is my understanding that in Chinese culture, it is considered rude to open a gift in front of the giver. Ca looked at me - clearly trying to gauge my opinion on whether it was appropriate to open the gift right here. Had she received gifts before, and this was her cultural upbringing warring with her 6-year-old-ness, or was this a first for her? It didn't take her long to agree that now was a good time to go inside. She scampered over to the living room floor and began dissecting the wrapping paper. The gift was wrapped in tissue and probably had 8 or 9 pieces of tape holding it all together - she took off each and every piece.  Then removed the paper. Her little eyes lit up. As I saw my sweetie enjoying the bead craft kit, I realized she is the gift!

Less interestingly, tomorrow we have another doctor's appointment. We learned from her blood test that she was not vaccinated in China - we don't know why, most other kids from her orphanage were. So now she's got a series of "tong" (hurts) coming up. Tomorrow is our first visit for her catch-up vaccinations, and she'll be getting four shots. Please pray for her heart - that this experience would not increase her fear/distrust of doctors, and not damage her trust in me/us. Please pray for me - that my attitude would be upbeat and not focused on my fears for her, and that my tone of voice and body language would convey peace and comfort to her. Thank you!

Playing games at home that can be demonstrated rather than explained...

We love playgrounds!

Middle School gets out earlier than elementary. This is the typical end-of-day Mutual Admiration Society.

Happy Headbands!

Stealth photo of the wrapping paper dissection

Things I'm thankful for today

·      An uninterrupted shower, thanks to my fabulous husband

·      great progress from my 7-year-old who overcomes incredible challenges in order to make good choices for our family

·      my girls like to shower together (at least for today)

·      big brother volunteered to be a homework helper, and they got three pages of math done!

·      my kids giggling and having fun together

·      hugs and kisses

·      God's goodness doesn't stop even if I forget it's there for a little while

·      advance set lists for Sunday worship (I needed a different song in my head, and praises were just the ticket)

·      that I have four kids who are close in age - they are a TON of fun

·      coffee.

·      Ca's willingness to try new foods

·      A blog post that encouraged me that God is good while parenting is hard and never EVER stops being right by my side.

·      warm oatmeal cookies

·      an amazingly supportive group of friends and family who keep sending words of encouragement our way. Thank you.

"My New Sister" by S

Today at second grade, S wrote an essay. We were so astonished by how he articulated his insights that we are going to post it exactly as written (minus the spelling errors). With his explicit permission.

"My New Sister" by S Fletcher 9-10-15

We had a great summer! My new sister is doing well. She eats chips, hot dogs, [Oma’s corn and zucchini] fritters, pancakes, and yogurt. The reason we didn’t put her in school is because we need more time to think about it. This morning she said “eat” in English. I was impressed. She also said “school.” I had a good night’s sleep. Her name is Ca_____. She is from China. I’m mad because she is getting all the attention. I like teaching her even though she is hard to work with. I like being a big brother!

Fear and Fun!

Today I faced one of my big fears - I took Ca to the grocery store and shopped! We had been on a tour last week - just to look and for me to gauge her reaction. This morning, after "second breakfast," I packed a sleeve of graham crackers as a defense and we went to Wegmans. We got a "car cart" so she could drive (and be contained). She gazed and pointed, and wanted all sorts of candy, chips, yogurt and crackers, and I mostly told her no, and discussed whether we had it at home, or why we weren't going to buy it. We had one moment when she grabbed a candy off an end cap, and I thought, "here it comes." I asked her to put it back, and waited. She kissed it to show her love, longingly mouthed the package a bit, and then she put it back, and was willing to give me a high five when I praised her. Overall, a really wonderful trip.

We got home and she jumped right in to help carry the groceries inside and put them away. After lunch, it began to storm. Ca told me all about lightning, and how the thunder would boom. She wanted to go outside and see the rain - I took her to the front porch where she could see it and touch it and smell it and not be in it. After about a minute, she'd had enough waiting and wanted to go out in it. Some of you may know that splashing in puddles is a joy I've shared with my kids for years, and it was sweet to share it with my newest one. The shrieks of laughter and sparkles in her eyes made me wonder if she's ever done this before - been invited to play in the rain with a grownup. We skipped and splashed around the block, she pretended to swim where the water was deep in the gutters, and we generally had a blast. When the wind began to get stronger, we went inside and peeled off our wet things and enjoyed getting dry and warm.

Then we got in the car (holy cow! Mama, you have WINDSHIELD WIPERS! they go back and forth! and you have them in the back too! O wow!) and went to the humane society. If Wegmans is like Disneyland exploded on the grocery store (to quote a friend), then Lollipop Farm is like Disneyland exploded on the humane society. We visited the bunnies, and cats, and dogs, and birds, and a pig. I learned that while cats through glass or through bars are truly wonderful and fascinating creatures, cats in the same room with you are horrifically life threatening. Dogs must have bars AND glass to be enjoyable. But they're funny to watch. Ca's response to the pets reminded me of S's response when he first came home. Desperately wanted to see them - if he was off the ground and out of reach. And he's come around. So we've got an idea how to move her from fear to enjoyment.

Today also marks one month from the day we met face to face. Hard to believe.

Photos!

"Doctor Ca"

I is off to 6th grade - middle school!

Off to 4th grade (after 2 years of homeschool for Co) and 2nd for S!

"Meet our snail, Dusty!"

climbing in "the clouds" at the science center

S got snazzy new shoes, and let Ca put on the ones he had been wearing. :)

E bought the matching clothes, but the kids all chose to wear them. LOVE this pic!

pretending to sleep on Oma's couch

Labor Day hike

"How is Carissa doing?"

How we appreciate this question! It can show love, care, and an appreciation for the enormous changes she is experiencing. We can answer "great" and be truthful. And there is much more to the story.

Ca has been with us for nearly a month - two weeks in China, and two weeks home. We have been astonished with the number of things she has NOT seemed to struggle with yet: she happily rides in the car, wears her seatbelt, washes her hands after she uses the bathroom, and washes her face when it's dirty. Doesn't seem to have any significant sensory issues regarding clothes and hasn't been very picky yet about what she wears. Willingly puts her dishes in the dishwasher, clothes in the hamper. Hasn't been overwhelmed by crowds or strangers or the quantity of books/stuff(/mess!) in our house. Has completely impressed us with her willingness to try new foods, her ability to sing along with songs she's just heard, and her cooperation when we pray at meals. Unpredictable pets and loud noises are understandably a bit scary. (But she was completely enthralled to have our pet snail Dusty climb all over her hands and arms!)

Like most kids, she longs for attention: wants to be watched while she does something impressive or funny, howls over small injuries because we come running. She is experimenting with becoming used to the idea of being precious.

She is learning (perhaps for the first time in her life) that people who like you and are usually kind and often give you what you want - sometimes tell you no. They won't always throw the ball exactly where you want them to throw it. They won't let you eat only Life cereal at every meal. And when we tell her no, she has the additional challenge that we don't have the language skills to be able to consider a possible counter-offer she might want to make. So sometimes our 'no' results in a very angry girl. And sometimes our 'no' simply gets ignored. But reasonably frequently, after a few seconds and perhaps a grumpy look, she will comply with us. We are thankful and humbled.

She is very capable and extremely critical of herself. In China, we observed that when copying English names (a string of vaguely familiar shapes), if she made a single tiny mistake she would scribble all over the page, tear it, puncture it, and generally show extreme displeasure, sometimes becoming angry with us if we were nearby. At home, playing ping-pong induced indignation when she missed the ball. We realized that she may not have had her efforts praised in the past, or been given any room to fail and try again. This past week she has been entertaining herself with a cutting workbook, and sometimes when she made a wrong cut, I (E) would tease a little with some playful drama over the mistake and bring in the tape with a flourish. And sometimes when she made a wrong cut, I would simply encourage her to keep on trying, or give her a little assistance over a difficult part. With just a few of these encounters, I am beginning to see a little softening in her responses to her failures.

Food is tricky. Everything here is new and unknown. Her likes change daily - so what she would eat yesterday, she might not eat anymore now. But she's not lost weight since being home, continues to tell us when she's hungry, and eats a surprising variety of different foods - just rarely what's being served right now. This is a difficult one for me, because I've made kids-who-eat-healthy-and-politely a big idol in the past - and I'm not really over it. But B and I have decided that we will present her at each meal with at least two dishes we are pretty sure she'll eat - usually includes Ramen noodles - and give her the opportunity to taste if she'd like. Yesterday she ate the first vegetables I can remember her eating since we met her - a zucchini/corn fritter that my mom made for dinner. (Yay & Thanks, Oma!)

Language development is a truly fascinating thing. I am absolutely astonished with how much we can communicate and play with just a few words combined with gestures and facial expressions. My Chinese vocabulary at this point consists of a handful of subjects and verbs. For the sake of keeping a record for the future, here's what I know in Chinese...

Subjects:

I/We/You/Y'all/Him/Her/Them (and possessives of each of those)

This one/That one*

Big Brother (I)

Big Sister (Co)

Second Brother (S)

Auntie

Grandpa/Grandma

Other nouns:

Water

Head (or maybe the word means Hair...?)*

Foot*

Moon*

House*

Sneakers*

Verbs:

Look

Want

Listen

Eat

Hurt

Know

Come

Pee

Poop

Adjectives:

Good/Not Good*

Big/Small*

Hungry*

More*

Cold

Misc:

I'm sorry

Hello

"What is this?" (so she can tell us the Chinese word for something)

Where*

*These are words we learned from Ca.

B had fun playing with her with a Chinese-English dictionary today. Turns out Ca actually knows a few words/characters beyond her name. Collectively, Ca and B and I (E) have the communication level of about a 3-year-old. Can't convey or understand wishes or preferences or ideas with any nuance. For most things (does she like this food, does she have to use the bathroom) we can get by, but if she wants to convey something beyond our immediate shared experiences, no can do.

Relationships are developing well. Our other kids have been truly fabulous - generous, patient, understanding for the most part. Of course there are moments when their sin becomes obvious, but we have been completely impressed with each of them. Ca pretty much thinks Co and I hung the moon, and is becoming more and more sweet with S. Another day today that was both tremendously hard and amazingly good. We are reminded that God gave each of our kids to the others RIGHT NOW for His purposes. The challenges that their individual developmental needs and their collective chemistry present are part of His plan for them and for us as their parents. It's not a mistake.

This morning we got to videochat with Ca's best friend from the orphanage, a little cutie who's being adopted to Arkansas. It was fascinating to watch a 6-year-old and 7-year-old who have so much more shared time with each other than they do with their families. The girls had an animated conversation, which neither of us moms could understand (outside of a few references to family members, crying, and airplanes). We are looking forward to continuing to cultivate that relationship.

I was hoping to post some photos, but technology isn't cooperating. Hopefully soon.

Medical Explanation

Today Ca was sitting on my (E) lap and looking at a video of herself playing with I, and commented on the bald spot on the back of her head. I scooched her hair aside and gave it a kiss. And realized that her life might be a little simpler if we took some time and gave a general explanation to all of you.

Ca was born with a meningocele. This means, as best as we can understand, that a portion of the sheath that protects her spinal cord (not any of the nerves themselves) had bulged outside of her spine during her growth in utero. It is a sub-type of spina bifida. It is our understanding that a child with that congenital condition born in the US would have surgery within their first week of life to correct it. Ca had surgery when she was 16 months old, and remarkably, doesn't seem any worse for the wear. We don't really understand the "head" location of the surgical site rather than a "neck" or "back" location, but are pretty sure that this will not be a mystery to the doctors. At Friday's pediatrician intake appointment (with a fabulous international adoption specialist!), we learned that she is absolutely on track from a height/weight/developmental milestone perspective. She doesn't appear to have any of the nerve damage that might have been a risk with her condition. We know that she is missing a small part of her skull (from the meningocele? from the surgery? who knows?), and will be making specialist appointments to learn more about her current condition, possible surgical interventions, and any precautions she should be taking. For the time being, we are treating her as normally as possible, and staying away from activities that put her sweet noggin at risk.

Mixed bag

Warning: This post is a poorly edited compilation of the scribblings we’ve been able to bash out on the keyboard in the past few weeks. You may even note that the voice shifts as both E & B contributed musings. Hey, this is what you get for the price of admission.  :-)

It’s been an interesting [first] week or so. Lots of changes for everyone. We’re all home together…why does Ca get to sleep in Mama and Daddy’s bedroom and I have to sleep in my own room?…why does she get to eat what she wants when the rest of us have to eat what’s served?…dentist appointment for all the kids (lots of anxiety for Ca)…she’s the youngest, why does she get to stay up later…Daddy’s back to work…now the older three are going to school…busyness…lots of busyness.

Quote of the week (from I, in an email to his classmates from last year):

“Life with a child who speaks almost no English is very complicated. I know more Mandarin than Ca knows English. Which isn't very much at all.”

Complicated…there’s an understatement. 

We’ve had some extremely difficult days this second week home (8/31-9/4). We are choosing to share them here for two reasons: (1) to help all our readers understand that adoption is often excruciatingly hard work so that they can have a better sense of reality and most importantly (2) because we want to be known. Adoption isn’t just the preparation and the getting home, it’s the every day afterwards. When we adopted S, we turned inward to care for our family and inadvertently shut others out, leaving us isolated by our own actions when things became hard. We are in the midst of things being hard, and while we can’t go out for coffee or Skype with each of you, we can lob glimpses of our life into the ether and hope that it provides some connection.

B went back to work on Monday, the three oldest kids started school on Wednesday. Ca cried on Monday, asking why couldn’t Daddy stay home? I (E) didn’t have the words to explain, so we were just sad together. She was sad again on Tuesday morning. She’d been well prepared for Wednesday and wasn’t the least bit sad when the other three kids left for school, but very excited to spend the day with Mama. 

Our biggest struggle has been S’s relationship with Ca. He’s had a big hill to climb - first, his parents cause him insecurity by leaving for 17 days. Then, when they finally arrive home, they bring a small person who requires an inordinate amount of their attention. Like any young child who’s just become a big sibling, he’s torn between wanting to love and hug and pet and squeeeeeeze her, and wanting to ‘give her back to the hospital’, so to speak. So, he vacillates between excessive affection and vehement rejection. (C’mob, you probably have your own story of when little Jimmy bit his baby sister…) But imagine if the infant had the ability to intentionally provoke the toddler, and if the infant remembered and harbored resentment for the response. Unfortunately, when S gives excessive affection, Ca is generally pretty callous and harsh in her rejection of the affection. It’s one way for her to be clear in her nearly all-English environment where she lacks the lingual nuances available to her in Mandarin. This tends to evoke S’s violent reciprocal rejection. When we intervene to prevent the perpetration of the angry desires, Ca occasionally taunts and makes faces. And when we don’t fully and properly correct/discipline her (because we have neither the relational capital nor the language skills to do so), poor S is sent into a tailspin. It’s a train wreck.

Back when we first started this adoption journey E & I (B) said that we felt we had more to give - that there was some “margin” in our lives. Things had stabilized (whatever that means) and we were willing, eager even, to invite some more chaos into our world for the benefit of all of us in this family. We believed then, as we do now, that challenges and - not to be overly dramatic by applying this word to our situation - suffering, even, is used by God for our benefit and His glory. 

Today [Wednesday of week 2], E remarked that all her margin had evaporated. Indeed, I have felt occasionally that I’ve reached the end of myself. In those times, when I feel as though I’ve been all used up, it has been a great comfort to me to recall that one day this earth will be burned up in judgment and God will make everything new. God will consume it all and it will be to Him a praise and glory. He will unmake all the atoms in the universe. What does it matter now if I feel like my life is out of my control? Like all of creation I am meant to be used - however God sees fit - for His glory. 

You may hear in this a note of fatalism…that God is supremely powerful, inscrutable, perhaps even detached or distant. That we are pawns in His game, to be used, but not regarded. A few years ago, that’s just how I saw Him - a ruler and lord who cared only for himself and ignored the cares of his people. Recently I’ve been persuaded that His glory is not only good for us, but also is the most delightful thing we could experience. His good is far better and far more satisfying than the good things we often desire.

Blogging is hard again

We have been working on blog posts in 3-5 minute snippets as we've had time. Very little space to think/talk with each other/type. But taking the time to process our experiences is important, and writing is a great venue. Bear with us. We'll have something up over the weekend.