Fear and Hope

      In the past few days, I've (E) had a few clusters of interactions with both S and Co that have felt a lot like "normal" used to be - always negative and antagonistic. It's been pretty scary for me to feel like my parenting is taking two steps backward when I'm supposed to be taking 5 or 6 steps forward in preparation for bringing home our fourth child. But as I've thought and prayed through the lessons I learned that helped us end that downward spiral and start building upwards, I saw the blessing in needing to remember how to think about my 'uncooperative child' differently. I will certainly be bringing home a child who does not cooperate well, and will probably need work at keeping my thoughts towards her charitable. I will need to remember that my Heavenly Father, not my "effective parenting strategies" is the hope of change for each of my children.

      And then I read an article about homeschooling that contained a fabulous parenting reminder: "I have found that I am more kind and patient when I am not focused on those things that frighten me." And I praised the Lord for helping me see again the fears that are at the root of so much of my struggle.  My fear drives my desire for control and my desire for a 'cooperative child,' and I am afraid when I believe the lie that I am the only one working for the maturity and character of my children.  Thank you, Father, that perfect love casts out all fear. Thank you that when I look full in your wonderful face, the things that scare me lose their power to drive me. Remind me to bring you my fears and anxieties. Thank you that you nurture and discipline my children far more effectively than I can. Thank you for the blessing of B as my partner in parenting. Thank you for the wonderful gift of my kids and for using them to show me how desperately I need you and how full you can fill me. And if you, reader, ever hear me talk about my stress or anxiety, please consider this an open invitation to ask me what I'm scared of.