Extra Photos

Our Christmas card holds 3 photos, but here are some extras...

And my favorites of each of the kids...

Fletcher kids are fun together...

And Mama and Daddy make 6.

Every good and perfect gift is from above...

2015 is ending, and Ca's first Christmas is on its way. It's not her first Christmas on earth, but certainly her first Christmas celebrated. And I (E) feel as though advent has slipped away this year. But since the kids were so diligent at sending the cards to so many of you, I thought I should take a moment and just count the gifts we've seen God provide.

I'm thankful...

·       that all 4 of our kids are still entertained by a large cardboard box. Once the shipped gift was removed, they spent the afternoon climbing inside, popping out, coloring the box, pretending to sleep in it, and generally having a good time with it. We thank God for the gift of fun, and for how he is lightening our hearts more frequently.

·       that Co's transition back to public school for 4th grade has had so many positive parts. A sensitive classroom teacher, enthusiastic orchestra and chorus teachers and a nurturing math teacher have all played parts in her experience. We thank God for great teachers.

·       that I's transition to middle school has been nearly stress-free. He has a close-knit group of buddies from elementary school, and is getting to know other 6th graders. He breezes through his classes, loves the extracurricular opportunities, and gets almost all his homework done during study hall. We thank God for His care for I in the midst of very big transitions.

·       that Ca's English is exploding, and her taste buds are adapting to our family's preferences. She now eats vegetables (while proclaiming how big and strong she's getting) and we rarely have to make her a separate ramen noodle soup. That we can see places where she feels loved and beautiful, and where she expects us to take care of her and shower her with loving attention. We thank God for the ways we see our littlest one learning how to be a daughter and a sister.

·       that S works very hard to love his little sister well. In the midst of significant struggles to "share" his parents and become more independent, we have seen him demonstrate some really amazing emotional growth. He has become more self-aware, and has capacity for amazingly selfless and difficult choices. We thank God that Ca is exactly the little sister that He intended for S at exactly this stage in his development.

·       that I (E) am making progress towards using my "free day" time well. I've felt like I've been floundering since October when Ca started school, but am beginning to get a sense of how the time (from 9-3, when the kids are at school) can help me be faithful in my responsibilities and relationships. I feel like I'm growing and am tremendously thankful for God's faithfulness to me personally.

·       That B has steady work to support our family. Work that he's really good at, and that's making an important contribution to the company. That God continues to bless our marriage despite the struggles and exhaustion of parenting. I am blessed to be his wife, and thankful for the love we share.

We wish you all a blessed 2016!

It's been too long

 by B

Those must be the most common words emanating from the majority of bloggers out there because sooner or later real life takes over and you just can't find time. We are sorry, our loved ones, that we have neglected you for so long. But we know you, and we know you understand. Thank you.

Our last several posts have been dark and difficult, reflecting the realities of living in a fractured world. We (and I mean every single one of the Fletchers) have experienced deep loss and confusion. Life has been hard. The things we have trusted for security have been removed and we have lost our way.

Ca has been to the doctor numerous times since arriving in America. For some unknown reason she was not immunized during her first six years. Perhaps it was concern for her medical condition that led the doctors to avoid the additional stress to her system. Not so here. She's made several "special" trips just to get shots in her arms - usually four at a time - to catch up. It hurts when the needles prick her skin...and it hurts for several days after, longer even than the memory of the consolation ice cream she enjoys in return! While she can't appreciate it yet, she trusts us (thank you, Lord!) when we tell her that the doctor is good and is helping her. The lesson here: doctors cause us pain while protecting us from future harm.

This is a picture of our God. He isn't content to leave us where he finds us. He knows we need to be loved and protected from harm. His protection often involves our pain. He wounds us to save us from harm. "Abandon your idols," He calls. "They are powerless to save you. Worse, they will consume you!" Giving up idols hurts. [In case you need to know this later, my idol du jour is free time or "me time", which explains why I've gotten so little sleep since returning from China. I exchange sleep for my idol - that is, until rest/sleep becomes my idol; at which point I sacrifice family relationships...] I find it remarkable that the things that hurt us most are often blessings in disguise. Our eyes aren't keen enough to see them as they truly are - good gifts from a merciful God intent on saving us from harm.

So it is here. Lots of pain, but so much renewal. We saw today venom and violence pour forth from our kids. Twenty minutes later there was repentance and forgiveness. Only the Savior who died for us can cause such revolution. To Him be all praise and honor and glory. We see Him at work, and revere Him because this change, this repentance, is not from us.

We give God thanks also for an amazing church family. A few weeks ago we asked our church to pray for our family, for our struggles with anger and violence, and specifically for the provision of before- and after-school help. This was an interesting experience for us. Typically we are the providers, not the receivers, of help. The hours when I (B) am absent and everyone else is home are typically the most difficult. While no one has yet braved the 6:30 - 8:30 am shift (!), we've had more than a few volunteers for the afternoons. And what an astonishing blessing it has been! Simply having another adult present has allowed E to set aside the burden of "keeping the peace" and freed her to care for each child who might need her. This too is revolutionary. She has the space to care for the struggling child instead of just shepherd that child through the next milestone on the way toward dinner & bed. I can't overstate this; it's been an amazing change.

But more than just being present, these Christian brothers and sisters have loved us and our children. We know we can be difficult, yet each has left us with words of encouragement and joy. They are happy to serve and we are blessed to be loved by them.

We are learning the mercy of neediness. If we are to experience the love of our heavenly Father it must be with hearts that acknowledge our own need for him. The temptation, often, is to make excuses for our situation. To explain why we find ourselves in this predicament. Perhaps we are here so we can feel our need, that we may be supplied with all we need by Him who made us; the one who displays His sufficiency by meeting our needs.

Holiday Weekend

  Ca had her first Thanksgiving, and met my (E's) cousin Laura and her husband Jim who came to visit and bless our family. Their visit was an island of fun in a sea of recent struggle. 

Ca also had her first American haircut!

fancy Ca loved feeling glamorous, and didn't fuss at all that the bangs weren't being trimmed!

No pics of Thanksgiving dinner, but here's tree hunting fun!

We sent the following email to our church's prayer network Sunday night:

            We are writing to ask for prayer for our family. In the past few weeks, it has seemed as though our adjustment to life as a family of 6 has taken a turn for the worse. Instead of becoming more settled and comfortable, our kids have gotten more insecure, violent, scared, and disruptive.
            Would you please pray for our kids who are upset, that they would continue to grow in their trust of us, and that they would know that they are loved regardless of their behavior.
            Please pray for the other kids to have patience with their siblings (and their parents), and to have a healthy understanding of their own worth to God and to our family.
            Please pray that all our kids would learn about God's love during this season, and that they would all feel safe in our home.
            Pray for us that we would hope in the Lord, die to ourselves, and make charitable judgments about our kids and each other. Pray also that we would have wisdom in how to address our kids and their behaviors, and find the help we need to care for our family well. We're currently looking for help before and after school so that there are two adults home at all times with the four kids together. Would you join us in praying for God's provision?

I (E) spent most of last week feeling overwhelmed. B has done such a great job of loving our kids in the midst of their tantrums and through to the other side. He has been feeling stretched, and Co and I have been feeling neglected. I've been feeling as though I am, at best, a neutral influence on the tantrums, and often the trigger. Both Ca and S strongly prefer B for everything from who cuts their food to who puts them to bed. I feel hopeless that I will ever be able to bridge the gap caused by my sin and relation-breaking responses to their behaviors. 

This morning I got all four kids off to school alone and we had a better-than-average mix of behavior. I have spent much of the day reflecting on God's goodness and sovereignty. He chose me to be the mama in this family - even when I fail, and am convinced that a different mama would be better for our kids, or easier on my husband - God still put them here with me. Not that He is content with brokenness, though. He can change me, and is redeeming me and the lives of each of my children (and husband!). Nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37) 

After a day of prayerful reflection, I wouldn't say that I have hope yet that I will be able to bridge the relational gap with my kids, but I am certain that God is good and will not abandon them or me in this struggle.

a wall plaque we bought at a gift shop in China is a great reminder.

a little P.S. - a glimpse into some of our wretchedly awful/ heart-breakingly beautiful moments...

This morning Ca spent much time recounting how loved she felt last night.  She had been crying in my (E's) arms before falling asleep, and the noise of Co going to bed must have disturbed her since Co noticed her quietly crying (which we hadn't been able to hear on the monitor). Co offered (and Ca accepted) to get a parent to help, and B was able to go back in and sang and snuggled Ca back to sleep. The helping Co offered and the recounting Ca expressed strengthened the girls' strained relationship. What a gift from God!

Sad News

One of B's co-workers passed away on Tuesday. Very suddenly. Ken was a great guy who had been very encouraging to us in our adoption process. Ken was himself an adoptive dad of two lovely teenage girls born in China, and in fact was an active part of bringing Ca home. Not only did Ken have a lot of great travel advice and helped get us connected with other adoptive families, but he was part of our Both Hands project team. For those of you who served at Miss Lois's house in June, you may remember Ken and his daughters who helped out that day. Ken's obituary is posted here. We will miss him.

two little miracles

1. Ca goes to the doctor (again)
Ca went to the doctor again last Thursday. Third round of shots - I (E) don't even know how many more she needs before she gets caught up. We talked yesterday about how she'd go to school in the morning, then I'd come get her at the middle of the day, and she'd return afterwards. We talked about how she'd get shots that would hurt and then we'd go for ice cream. She was totally on board with this. When the doctor came in the room, Ca was playful and cooperative, using the doctor's stethoscope on her new doll "Jem Baby," hopping up on the table for the standard exam, exclaiming that it tickled when the doctor checked her neck.... and then the nurses came in for the shots. 

They give two shots at a time and today she needed four. As they approached, Ca quickly moved from calm to hysterically screaming and squirming to get away. I called off the nurses for a moment, then did my best to calm Ca and help her prepare to cooperate. They were ready to go again, and again, Ca began screaming. By God's mercy, I was able to get her to look at my eyes, and earnestly but calmly explain that we weren't going to give the shots against her will, but that she needed them to be healthy and we wanted her to cooperate. And she did. My sweet brave girl sat still with tears in her eyes and let the two ladies each give her not one but two shots per arm. And let her Mama hold her and kiss her and tell her how proud she is. This is God working miracles.

2. hills 
When we were in China, we noticed that hills really seemed to frighten Ca. (mentioned it here) Upon arriving home, our suspicion was repeatedly confirmed, and we deduced that she had simply not had many hills in her pre-family life. Lots of pavement, parks, urban areas. Not really hills. 
Last Saturday Ca joined the other kids and us at a church work day. A group of about 50 members of our church family were going to rake all the leaves off our new property. At one point, I observed Ca gleefully running down a small hill over and over again, and turned to a friend and said, "that is a miracle." How she is blossoming!


 

Above all else...

by B

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

I have known this verse for years and years. It was a “purity verse” – one of those verses the youth group leaders used to encourage pubescent teens to keep their emotions from getting out of hand. Don’t give your heart away until marriage, so the discussion went. Back when I was the target of this verse, I used to think this verse was just a convenient prop for the leaders to use on the kids. Although I believe the verse meant what they said, adults seemed to only trot it out whenever they wanted to deliver the abstinence talk. Go ahead and google the verse. You’ll see that most of the discussion is about romantic love and our need to preserve it for marriage. While I wholehearted endorse that principle, I’m convinced that Proverbs 4:23 means way, way more.

Guarding our hearts isn’t just about keeping them pure, it’s about not losing them. After all, you guard the thing you don’t want to lose. What do you think when you hear the phrase “lose heart”? I think: hopelessness. The Proverbs verse is telling us not to lose our hope. And this is wisdom.

Stick with me here. This is going to read like a really long tangent. I will do my best to tie up the loose ends at the finish, but truthfully, I might make a mess of it. You’ll have to read it all to find out how I do. Much of this post was written on Sunday, so pretend you’re reading this two days ago…

It was another very difficult day today. Candidly, I feel like I only write when things get real bad. The crazy part about our life is that the bad and the good are so near. We regularly oscillate from wretchedly awful to heart-breakingly beautiful in the space of a few minutes. So many of the arguments between S & Ca are followed by unsolicited statements of affection. “I love you” comes twenty minutes after “I don’t love you.” It’s a picture of our fallen fickleness. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got whiplash from riding the emotional roller-coaster. My tendency is to withdraw and just functionally fill the role of dad (I can hear the cheery announcer voice saying, “Today the role of Dad will be played by B!”). You know, be physically present but emotionally somewhere else. In fact, I feel like I’ve been living that way for several weeks. I wouldn’t say I’ve been a bad father – I’ve regularly been very patient and kind toward my kids, not getting any more angry than usual – but I’ve not really been here. I’m not sure where I’ve been…

Today’s difficulties started – as they often do – when two children wanted the same thing. Lately that thing has been sitting on my lap. For the last two days Ca has been experimenting with being a “xiao baby” – a little baby. She sits in my lap and talks baby talk, drinks from a baby bottle, and generally cuddles more aggressively than usual. Some of you may find this behavior strange from a six year old. However, this is normal adopted kid behavior. In fact, its presence is a very healthy sign that Ca is bonding to me. Kids who didn’t have one on one time with a parent throughout their development often don’t feel as though they are precious. They can be insecure and need to learn trust by playacting and practicing it. As they begin to feel comfortable enough exploring and expressing their needs for connection, they regress to an age where they can be needy and expect a parent will take care of them. They practice this vulnerability and hope we meet their needs. It’s an interesting parent-child dance that can reap huge relational rewards if the parent knows what’s going on and can care for the child unselfconsciously. We’re really thankful Ca is playing this way.

For the last few days she’s wanted to sit on my lap at just about every meal. Well S has got some of his own parenting needs and a healthy dose of big brother jealousy to boot. It’s hard to be a big brother and especially hard to watch a sibling regress without wanting to join in. After all, when Ca acts like a baby she gets fawned over. Of course S wants the same attention and care. He liked sitting on my lap before his sister arrived. It’s difficult to share.

Two minutes into the church service I took both of them out of the sanctuary because we were beginning to make a scene. I’m actually getting more comfortable with that situation. If we’ve been to church eight times since Ca came home, I’ve probably left the service eight times with one of the kids to avoid being a distraction. This morning we found a quiet spot and I explained to both of them how I am one daddy and there are four kids in our family. They need to share me. It’s the truth, but it also feels to me like I’m failing…like I shouldn’t have brought these kids into my family if I couldn’t meet all their needs. This kind of thought causes me to doubt our parenting decisions, at least a little.

S suggested they each sit on half my lap. They’ve done this before, but given their attitudes toward one another this morning I wasn’t hopeful this would work. Silly me. Ca eagerly agreed and back we went to the sanctuary. They each took a leg and were content for a little while. Eventually Ca scooted over the pew, since I was an unstable writing surface, and told S “it’s ok” to take my entire lap. This was a mercy.

Fast forward to this afternoon… it’s Sunday evening, but already the details are fuzzy. What I remember is that three of the kids were eating lunch and watching a movie and Ca was deeply unhappy. She was nearly non-verbal and upset with me for no reason I could comprehend. I wasn’t involved in the original conflict (maybe it was with E or one of the other kids?), but I attempted to soothe and comfort her after the fact. She began threatening to hurt the other kids with a plastic coat hanger so I put myself in between. She ran away and I chased her in a playful way, but she wanted none of my cheerfulness. She began to hit me on the shoulders and the face with the hanger. I tried not to flinch while telling her repeatedly that I love her. She kept hitting me and I kept letting her. Occasionally she would threaten without hitting just to see if I’d move. I didn’t.

I’m not sure if this is the right approach in this circumstance, but honestly I can’t think of anything better. My hope is that my unflinching words & display of love will overcome her scared, angry woundedness. I’ve done this with her twice; the first time was in China. It’s softened her both times.

About ten minutes later she decided to get out some toys. I get down on the ground to play with her – wordlessly still. Shortly, I offer her the food she missed from lunch. She invited me to the couch to watch the movie with the others and asked if she can sit on my lap to eat. Her rage has passed.

Five minutes later S got jealous and began kicking at Ca. He and I left to go talk it out… Things didn’t go as smoothly as I’d hoped. Essentially, I’m trying to explain to him how his sister was a mess earlier and I just got her calmed down. Now, he’s screwing everything up. (You can see my master manipulation persuasion skills at work here.) Not surprisingly, S is not persuaded by my nuanced approach. Again, my memory here is a little fuzzy. We ended up in a scuffle and I almost accidentally break the lampshade that E just bought to replace the last one - broken in a previous tantrum. Now I’m as angry with myself as I am with S, so out to the deck we went. I calmed down enough to explain to S that the reason we each do bad stuff (usually the bad stuff we know we’re not supposed to do, the stuff that will make our lives unhappier and hurt us & the people around us) is because we’re sinners. I also told him how I wish I could be the daddy he wishes he had, the one whose lap is always available, the one who can hold him whenever he wants for as long as he needs. I told him I wish I could be that daddy for I, Co and Ca. I reminded him about the verse we read in church today from Revelation 21:4 – “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Eventually we headed back inside because it’s chilly. We were both fairly well calmed down and headed downstairs to finish watching the movie. Ca was doing something else with E so S gets my lap.

After the movie, magic happened. All four kids decided to put on a show. Typically these productions involve an acrobatic display by the boys and a dance number by the girls. It’s a highly choreographed creation requiring cooperation and devotion on the part of the performers, but somehow today they got it sorted out. The four kids rehearsed for 30 minutes, maybe more, while E and I got dinner ready. As dinner time approached, tragedy struck. You see, sometimes cooperation and/or devotion can be in short supply. In this case, it appears Ca lost her enthusiasm for the whole affair and decided to “go off-script” as they say in the business. Worse, the dinner deadline put enormous pressure on the cast. They needed to skip their final rehearsal in order to have time for the actual performance. Under these stresses, the entire company unraveled. There was shouting, angry throwing of props, certain cast members stormed off while others impugned their character. Not exactly an easy time to corral everyone for a peaceable meal together.

After some more back and forth we all arrived at the table and were ready to eat. It has become Ca’s habit to lead us in praying before dinner. She used to wait for prompts from E, but now just breaks into her own monologue, recounting some experience from the day or describing the evening’s upcoming events while we all hold hands with eyes closed. It’s cute. We’ll start giving her prayer guidance once we’ve got some more common language to explain it. In the meantime, she prays and then someone else prays afterward. Tonight was my night.

As I sat there listening to my dear daughter, I could feel the rage seething around the table. We were holding hands, but some of us were killing one another in our hearts. Ca especially was a target since she was the chief reason the kids’ show unraveled. As she prayed she was oblivious to the hatred.

I began to cry. Not because I was sad, though I certainly was sadder than I can remember. I was overcome by the ugliness of the evil in my heart – that I considered my kids an inconvenience, that I told them they needed to grow up because I’m unable to meet their needs, that I think they’re ungrateful for all I sacrifice for them. At first I cried because I was ashamed of my sin, but what really made me weep was hope.

Ca finished her prayer with her beautiful “Maymen” (that’s “amen” to you and me), and the rest of the family prompted me to pray. In my tearful reverie I had missed my cue.

“Lord, I am so sad about my sin. I was angry today and I hurt my family with my words and my actions. I loved myself more than I loved them. I’m so sorry. Father, I’m so thankful that you forgive me because that is my only hope. Amen.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

                Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

A Big Day

Today was a pretty big deal for Ca. She was, thankfully, excited to go to school again. I prayed for the kids' day out loud in the car on the way to school this morning, and was surprised to glance back and see that she had closed her eyes.

After school she showed me how her tooth was really loose, and told me that she had visited the nurse to swish out her mouth when it had been bloody. She pulled her first American tooth (with coaching and encouragement by I) before dinner.

WOW! A Tooth!

 

Dinner was late and began haphazardly. Halfway through, S commented in English that we hadn't prayed, and Ca closed her eyes and reached for our hands. And told us that she wanted to pray. On Mondays it's S's turn to pray for dinner, but he graciously shared. In the past, Ca has wanted to be the one talking during prayer, but didn't know what to say, so repeated after me. Tonight, Ca independently told God that she was excited about her tooth, and that she loves Daddy, Mama, Co, I, S and herself. "Maymen" We were rather floored. Then S had his turn, and thanked God for the food, and told Him that he didn't really feel like praying, but thanks even so.

 

This felt enormous to me (and B too). We love that at least one of our kids is truly learning that our Heavenly Father wants to hear from us no matter our mood - He wants us to come to Him in joy, sorrow, anger, confusion, remorse, delight, need... Father, may we each learn more and more the joys and benefits of coming to you in the midst of all the varied ways we feel...

After dinner Ca read a book about butterflies to us. The text was "I am [color]" on each page -with a photo of a butterfly of that color. This book is a great book for beginning readers who know English, as it helps them feel a sense of confidence in their reading. I was pretty discouraged for Ca, because, well, she doesn't know English, and doesn't know her colors. So most of the book was pretty much a loss for her...except purple. My baby knows PURPLE! She read us that page over and over again, and was so excited that she knew purple.  It was sweet, and we shared her enthusiasm.

As I was lying in bed with her, Ca pointed to and named (in English) her eyes, her nose, her head, her ears, and then pointed to her mouth and said, "I don't know." I was surprised at how many body parts she knew already, and that she would ask to know more. In the dark, I proceeded to touch and name her mouth, forehead, hair, and tongue (which is tricky, because it's very close to Ca's word for 'hurt'). Don't worry, I didn't actually touch her tongue... 

Then as we were settling in for sleep, she told me to pray. I'm still fairly convinced that she doesn't understand what's going on, but am greatly encouraged that she recognizes praying as something we do - a part of the structure of our day. So I thanked God for how Ca is learning so much so quickly and asked that He would help us each understand more of who He is and how He loves us. 

Thank you to all of you who are praying and caring for and about our family. We understand more of who God is and how much He loves us through your caring and your prayers in this season of our lives.

Some pictures from our weekend:

This pretty much sums it up. Love this photo & my fun and fabulous kids!

R-L: television, upside-down man, last-minute bumblebee-turned-cow, rodeo clown (don't know what a rodeo clown is? look it up!)

I see light...

Off to school!

 

So, a lot has happened since we posted last! Most remarkably, Ca has transitioned to school full-time. We went in last Wednesday while the kids were at lunch and met her teacher. On Thursday, teacher told the kids about Carissa and we came for a meet-and-greet, and I gave a little background on adoption and Carissa's history (at a kindergartener's level). Then Friday we officially registered her and spent the rest of the day at school. I went with her again on Monday, and then on Tuesday, she went by herself for most of the day, and I stopped in near the end of the day to "help with the math lesson." Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were completely independent. Each day I've been taking all three elementary kids to school and Co and S have been walking Ca to her classroom. She is VERY excited to be a big kid and go to school with her siblings and friends. She loves playing on the computer and practicing her penmanship on the iPad and playing hopscotch at recess. Sadly, because we share so little language for discussing things we can't see, she cannot tell me much about her day. She does not seem upset by the loss, but I wish we could connect about all her "schoolgirl experiences."

When I drive the kids to school, we get another half hour at home and a much more relaxed Mama. It's made getting out the door much more straightforward and stress-free than when we're trying to catch the bus. I'm trying to decide if it's okay with me for a morning drive to be our new normal. Probably should be. I have seen God's rich blessing on this transition for us all. Thank you for your prayers.

Whether it's connected to Ca's start of school, S's maturing, or simply the work of the Holy Spirit, we have had many MANY fewer tantrums from him over the last two weeks. Home has been a much more stable and calm place, and I am grateful. We worked really hard on affirming S for good choices, and noticed he began to make more of them. I feel a nudge to work really hard on affirming my other three and see what other kinds of positive changes we might see.  That brings me to my blog title... I wouldn't say that I really see 'the light at the end of the tunnel.' That would imply that I'm nearing the opening. And of course, we're just beginning this journey, so the "end" is certainly not very close at all. But the tunnel itself is getting lighter - the darkness is lessening and becoming easier to bear.    

There've been some incredible outpourings of love, encouragement, and tasty food from friends in the past two weeks, which have also provided a boost to our spirits. Thanks to all of you who have loved on us!

Here are some photos:

It wouldn't be kindergarten in October without orange tempera paint!

"po, po, po!" ("run, run, run") at recess

first full day without Mama

and a bonus - because she's cute!

The Newsy Update

In the midst of the chaos we posted about last time, we took Ca to the pediatric neurosurgeon for a consultation. We were expecting to find out about what additional surgery she would need to repair her skull and the back of her head. We learned that she would not need any additional surgery - at all, ever. We were floored. She is not fragile, and can participate in just about every activity she is likely to want to participate in (but ice hockey, for instance, is out). If she wants to have plastic surgery to reduce the lump and put hair-growing scalp in it’s place, that’s an option in the future.

In light of the unexpectedly good report, our adoption social worker helped us consider the pros and cons of putting Ca into school soon - like within the month. As a result of that conversation, we are working with the kindergarten teacher to transition Ca into school full time. Probably by the end of next week…

Ca has mostly gotten over her hair distress. Every morning for the last week, she has asked for pigtails on top of her head - either one or two. She doesn’t get distressed by the bangs in her eyes anymore. She shared tonight that she is eager for the day when her bangs are gone and her hair is long enough to wear in a ponytail in the back.

We broke the vegetable barrier this week as well. Ca will now eat a bite of green food when we ask her to. :) Not much more than a bite, but a bite. She loves pizza, meatball sandwiches, peanut butter & jelly, toast with butter & cinnamon sugar, yogurt, tangerines, and chocolate almonds. I continue to be astonished with her willingness to try new things.

Over the weekend we also encountered a new first - Ca slept in her own bed all night. The one in Co’s room. I (E) was on an adjacent mattress on the floor all night. She reports she will NOT be doing that again. You can pray for us for patience with ‘the sleep thing’.

The Hard Stuff

 

Part 1 - from B

We had a pretty miserable day Tuesday - S’s 8th birthday. We had celebrated on Monday since I’s back-to-school-night would conflict with a full celebration on Tuesday. From 5:00 on, we dealt with non-stop struggle, tantrum and conflict from varying combinations of our kids. I (B) wrote a detailed description of what happened - sort-of ‘anatomy of a miserable evening’, which was helpful for us to contemplate. We decided not to post it out of respect for our kids’ privacy. It includes name-calling, nasty faces, violence threatened and perpetrated, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and fear, and crying to sleep. And not just from the kids.

Every one of us has trouble with anger sometimes (understatement). Each person’s tantrum affects everyone else. S’s are the “worst” in that they almost always result in physical confrontation.

When S throws a tantrum and the family enters tailspin mode, it’s tempting to see S as the one getting the worst of this situation. Yes, he’s getting all sorts of “negative attention” from Mama and Daddy. But really, the rest of the kids are injured deeply in this process. It’s terrifying to see your parents lose control of themselves and not know how to parent your sibling(s). E and I are raw and our failings are on display for the kids to see. We’re broken and needy and doing a horrible job of depending on God for strength and hope (it’s so easy to become hopeless in this). It brings me to the point of tears. When we finally get S & Ca to sleep, there is a preternatural stillness about the house. The impression I have is that it’s too still, as though something were wrong. But there’s nothing wrong; not really. This is just the sigh we all make together after this kind of evening. 

And Wednesday morning began the exact same way. S has this astounding capacity to sleep through the night and wake feeling the same rage he felt before he slept. It’s as though sleep is just a pause and the morning often resumes the way the evening ended.

This past weekend during another (somewhat less) difficult time I reminded E that S - with all the marvelous blessings and all the challenges - is God’s good gift to our family. He is an embodied part of the good things God has for us. This has been a theme for the two of us; that everything we receive from God - all the things we enjoy and take delight in, and all the stuff that stings and seems to hurt us - is a part of his self-glorifying plan in which he displays his majesty. Who, after all, are we to say to God what is good and what is not?

And yet Tuesday I was nearly lost in all this. God, how can this possibly be your good plan? I’m actively hurting my children with my body and my words. S is beyond comforting. Often, so is Ca. I and Co are caught in this whirlwind - both of them trying not to burden their parents further, but also having real needs for our love and attention. And what is S feeling when he sees his parents follow him into an out of control state? How can he trust such untrustworthy people? 

When E & I started Ca’s adoption journey, we knew with a deep certainty that this was God’s will for us. It was sufficiently crazy enough to look like faith and it was confirmed for us in all sorts of ways. We knew God was behind this.

And in some deep places, thanks to God’s unreasonable goodness to us, we still know this is his plan. But when we get really honest with ourselves, we realize that it makes no sense to us. How can these awful experiences be part of God’s good gift? So we’re left trusting, but with no real grounds apart from the fact that at some time in the past we knew this was God’s path for our family. 

Here’s the thing. Tuesday’s events aren’t unusual. We have some version of this nearly every day. It’s this big usually at least once a week. And when people ask me how we’re adjusting to our new family life, these kinds of episodes play in my head. How can I possibly explain what this is like? I barely have the words. 

Weeks ago we stumbled on this article by John Piper called Don't Waste Your Cancer. It is changing the way we see our lives. But even prior to reading it I had been thinking a bit about suffering. While doing so the idea occurred to me that suffering is wasted if it isn’t endured for Christ’s glory. But what did I mean by that? (Sometimes propositions arise in my thinking that I can’t at first justify. They are hypotheses that need testing before I can assent to their validity. Sometimes these thoughts are duds. This was one of the gems.) Is suffering for Christ only reserved for missionaries or martyrs? How can I endure the hardships in my life in such a way as to honor Jesus? Another idea occurred to me at this point - that suffering for Christ demanded a public acknowledgment of His presence and power through the hardship. But that wasn’t quite right. A few moments later I thought what’s required isn’t a public proclamation, but an inner worship and dependence. We must stake our souls on him. Christ isn’t glorified if we just endure hardship in a Christ-less state, then give him praise for “bringing us through it” afterward. He must be in the middle of our experience. Any public acknowledgment (and it is right that we should proclaim Jesus to all the world through our suffering) is the natural overflow of our internal devotion and dependence. 

 

1 Peter 4:19 says “Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.” Peter wrote to exiled believers, some of whom no doubt were to become martyrs and others perhaps missionaries, but most of his audience would be neither. They were regular folks and Peter was counseling them how to suffer well. Peter told them to entrust their souls to the faithful God while doing good. This is just the thought I had before - cast your very soul on God while also continuing to do what is right. He will be honored in your heart and this will overflow it outward praise.

Lord, give me grace to suffer well and help me to lift my eyes from my light and momentary troubles and fix them on the weighty glory that I will one day behold and enjoy.

Part 2 - from E

Wednesday was full of yet more relational chaos. I told a friend before we adopted Ca that I was eager for ‘the hard stuff’ because it would help me depend on God more and see His goodness more. Wednesday morning I remembered that conversation and thought, “That was a stupid plan.” And yet, only 12 hours later, by God’s grace, I could look back at the day and see a panorama of God’s goodness. 

Let me recount: 

1.     When I was weeping from desperation and helplessness after an exceptionally difficult morning that followed an exceptionally difficult and exhausting evening, God used my feeling as though no friend could help to remind me that He is always present and always available.

2.     When I wept long and hard, and Ca was unnerved and started crying too, she climbed into my lap and let me comfort her as we cried together. 

3.     God made movies so that Ca could watch them and I could get some mental space to think and pray.

4.     God reminded me of Lamentations 3. I knew verses 22-23, and they were what popped to mind, but as I read the whole chapter I was completely floored by the perspective that God gives us our suffering as a good gift because He loves us. Meditating on it throughout the day has given me great perspective. 

5.     God helped me realize that while I might not know how some key folks in our lives can help, I can still ask them for help - maybe they have some ideas. 

6.     God provided not one, but two lengthy conversations with wise and experienced professionals who know our family well. I called them both, not expecting to reach them, and they both took more than 40 minutes out of their busy days to talk with me on the phone.

7.     Ca tolerated more than an hour of Mama on the phone!

8.     Through my conversations, God provided some next steps for us to pursue to make some long-term relational improvements.

9.     I contacted a friend who had offered to help “somehow” and made a specific request. God used her generous reply to grant me courage and remind me that I am not alone.

This season of life is hard. Really hard. But God doesn’t stop being faithful, even if we forget His faithfulness. And our family life will probably become less chaotic over time. But even if it doesn’t, God will still be faithful and good.

How you can pray

        It's been a hard two weeks. Ca still needs a lot of attention during the day, and someone nearby for much of her sleep time - so we don't have much "free time." S is still really struggling with adjusting to the new normal and he often spends much of his time at home being upset. Cooking, cleaning, and home maintenance have been very hard to keep up with. The weekend was a bit of reprieve - we got some things put away, cleaned the toilets for the first time since we got home, and the kids spent some fun time playing together. But looking towards the new week, I've lost my focus. I've forgotten that God really has called ME (and each of the Fletchers) to this new normal. I've forgotten that He will provide everything we need. This morning while receiving communion, I had the blessing to remember that my Father is still here, His church is still here, and His character does not change. I believe, help my unbelief!

       Would you pray for us to be renewed with God's strength? That His truth would give us courage, and that we would see our kids and each other the way our Heavenly Father sees?

What does cancer have to do with it?

So Sunday God took the ideas that began brewing on Friday and turned my world on its figurative ear. You may recall that on Friday I was feeling overwhelmed and attempted to cut myself some emotional slack by indulging in a prolonged foray into self-pity. Well, on Sunday I had a wonderful conversation with a friend who shared with me about how God is blessing her through some hard things in her life. She mentioned an article by two teachers who I respect and who were diagnosed with cancer almost simultaneously. The article is called Don't Waste Your Cancer. One of the main points of the article was that someone with cancer would waste their cancer if they didn't believe that the challenge was designed by their loving Father God for their good. That's a pretty radical perspective to take on cancer, and I'm sure that not all of you agree with it. I've never had cancer, and I don't want to make light of the struggle that it is. But I think it's reasonable to say that most of the ideas in the article are applicable to any struggle we face - even ones far less trying than cancer. And I began to think about how I should not Waste This Tantrum. Specifically, I began to ponder the possibility that God has given me these struggles (that we are facing as Ca and S transition to our new family) to make me wiser, and especially to help me find my joy first - and most lastingly - in Him. The struggles are a gift, for my good. And it's changed my perspective dramatically.

6th(!) Week Since Adoption

It has seemed like a long week. Most days I've wanted to escape into brainless entertainment or sleep once the kids are all in bed. Having B around on the weekend gives me some mental and emotional space to think (and blog).

Tuesday's doctor's appointment went great. Thanks to all of you who were praying for us. I had spoken with her on Monday night about the plans for Tuesday. All morning on Tuesday Ca told me how she didn't want to go to the doctor and didn't want to get any shots. I assured her that I understood that she didn't want the shots. About 30 minutes before we would need to leave, I began to be concerned that I wouldn't be able to get her into the car. I called in some fabulous friends for an emergency visit to help with language, and she was willing to get into the car. I realized that I could express Ca's feelings and ask the doctor if we "really needed the shots." So when it was 'shot time,' we had a mock conversation where I expressed Ca's desire to NOT get the shots, and asked if there was any way we could avoid them. The very cooperative nurse explained (to me, in English) that no, we really needed them to keep Ca healthy. And I resignedly accepted that. And wouldn't you know, my sweet darling did too? Sat still, cooperated, exclaimed afterwards that it didn't hurt... Praise the Lord! And afterwards, we did this...

We shared. It was fabulous.

I am so humbled by her continued openness to us. She is sometimes so unreasonable and then floors me with how willing she is to accept a new plan, or someone's "no." I explained to Co earlier in the week that 'of course she's unreasonable with us sometimes - she doesn't share reasoning language with us!' And yet, during one of Friday's angry storms of tears, I was able to use my translation app to explain that I understood her frustration, and she calmed right down. Proof that she has the capacity to reason, she just lives with a bunch of people who speak the wrong language! (By the way, she wanted - perfectly sensibly - to be able to paint her fingernails by herself. No problem. She also wanted to have them look as beautiful as when I do it for her, and was really really frustrated that it wasn't working out that way.)

The development of her English skills is surprising all of us. We're also beginning to notice Chinese language loss, which is especially sad, and indicates to me that we'll be entering a difficult linguistic time soon.

I made a realization tonight at dinner. Ca was practicing her nightly litany of all the people who love her, and then commanding that all of us listen only to her and laugh at her jokes, (which ARE funny). It was rather irritating to have her be so self-focused and pushy. But then I realized that she was trying to learn to navigate something completely new. She probably never got this much affirmation at the orphanage, and probably had very limited (if any) opportunities to be self-determining. So she's trying to learn to live in a world where you sometimes get your way and you sometimes get everyone's attention - but how is she supposed to know which times you get your way and which times you get everyone's attention?  She's riding a pendulum at the moment - swung way out while trying to find the middle ground.

She delights in serving around all the servings of whatever's been dished up - and wants us all to thank her when the food is good. She reminds us all to pray (gestures the holding hands and closing eyes) and loudly says "MayMen!" at the end. She loves to help - vacuum, laundry, gardening, and is often fairly capable. Her laugh still delights me.

We have been trying to get everyone to SIT DOWN at the same time to eat. But between kids being involved in other activities, being blindingly angry, or otherwise uncooperative or unavailable, it has been a major challenge. Poor Ca is trying to understand why Mama and Daddy are asking her to come when it doesn't seem that anyone else is coming. And we're eating something she doesn't even want to eat! (Although I did make some pretty fabulous fried rice for dinner yesterday, and she gulped that down...)

Ca has been asking to sit on Daddy's lap at dinner, and he's said yes. But of course, when Ca gets to sit on Daddy's lap, everybody else wants to as well (to be honest, I hasn't asked). Which puts B on his new diet plan - if you can't reach your dinner, it's hard to eat your dinner. But boy, those kids are feeling loved!

We have determined that Ca is almost certainly chronically sleep deprived. She wakes early (4:30 am is typical) and sleeps restlessly for the last few hours. As soon as there's any activity - someone gets up or someone comes in (usually between 6-6:30) - she's up, awake for the day, and declaring her hunger. There is definitely some anxiety in that waking time. I went back and read my own blog post  to remind myself to be patient with sleep struggles. Attempts to get her to nap or to get to bed earlier have been soundly thwarted. We see that her exhaustion gives her fewer resources to cope with disappointment or being misunderstood. So this afternoon, B took her for a long car ride - drove laps around the expressways surrounding downtown. And she slept for 35 minutes and was generally much more pleasant. 

Friday was hard. B wasn't home until 7:00, and I'd had a really difficult day with Ca. I realized afterwards that I had been practicing to myself how difficult my day was, and feeling completely exhausted and generally martyr-like. Then I realized that this is my new normal and I need to find a way to live here rather than wishing for a break. Perhaps even embrace it as the season of life God has given me - for my good and His glory. Friday night I found this encouraging blog post. I'm not ready to embrace chaos-is-the-new-normal yet, but I'll keep you posted.

Ca rolled right into our annual family apple-picking tradition.

Had to stop for our traditional after-apple-picking snack - it's donut season!

Proof that all 6 of us went.

I'm pretty sure she already knew apples came from trees, but WOW! she had fun!

Oma came too!