A Big Day

Today was a pretty big deal for Ca. She was, thankfully, excited to go to school again. I prayed for the kids' day out loud in the car on the way to school this morning, and was surprised to glance back and see that she had closed her eyes.

After school she showed me how her tooth was really loose, and told me that she had visited the nurse to swish out her mouth when it had been bloody. She pulled her first American tooth (with coaching and encouragement by I) before dinner.

WOW! A Tooth!

 

Dinner was late and began haphazardly. Halfway through, S commented in English that we hadn't prayed, and Ca closed her eyes and reached for our hands. And told us that she wanted to pray. On Mondays it's S's turn to pray for dinner, but he graciously shared. In the past, Ca has wanted to be the one talking during prayer, but didn't know what to say, so repeated after me. Tonight, Ca independently told God that she was excited about her tooth, and that she loves Daddy, Mama, Co, I, S and herself. "Maymen" We were rather floored. Then S had his turn, and thanked God for the food, and told Him that he didn't really feel like praying, but thanks even so.

 

This felt enormous to me (and B too). We love that at least one of our kids is truly learning that our Heavenly Father wants to hear from us no matter our mood - He wants us to come to Him in joy, sorrow, anger, confusion, remorse, delight, need... Father, may we each learn more and more the joys and benefits of coming to you in the midst of all the varied ways we feel...

After dinner Ca read a book about butterflies to us. The text was "I am [color]" on each page -with a photo of a butterfly of that color. This book is a great book for beginning readers who know English, as it helps them feel a sense of confidence in their reading. I was pretty discouraged for Ca, because, well, she doesn't know English, and doesn't know her colors. So most of the book was pretty much a loss for her...except purple. My baby knows PURPLE! She read us that page over and over again, and was so excited that she knew purple.  It was sweet, and we shared her enthusiasm.

As I was lying in bed with her, Ca pointed to and named (in English) her eyes, her nose, her head, her ears, and then pointed to her mouth and said, "I don't know." I was surprised at how many body parts she knew already, and that she would ask to know more. In the dark, I proceeded to touch and name her mouth, forehead, hair, and tongue (which is tricky, because it's very close to Ca's word for 'hurt'). Don't worry, I didn't actually touch her tongue... 

Then as we were settling in for sleep, she told me to pray. I'm still fairly convinced that she doesn't understand what's going on, but am greatly encouraged that she recognizes praying as something we do - a part of the structure of our day. So I thanked God for how Ca is learning so much so quickly and asked that He would help us each understand more of who He is and how He loves us. 

Thank you to all of you who are praying and caring for and about our family. We understand more of who God is and how much He loves us through your caring and your prayers in this season of our lives.

Some pictures from our weekend:

This pretty much sums it up. Love this photo & my fun and fabulous kids!

R-L: television, upside-down man, last-minute bumblebee-turned-cow, rodeo clown (don't know what a rodeo clown is? look it up!)

I see light...

Off to school!

 

So, a lot has happened since we posted last! Most remarkably, Ca has transitioned to school full-time. We went in last Wednesday while the kids were at lunch and met her teacher. On Thursday, teacher told the kids about Carissa and we came for a meet-and-greet, and I gave a little background on adoption and Carissa's history (at a kindergartener's level). Then Friday we officially registered her and spent the rest of the day at school. I went with her again on Monday, and then on Tuesday, she went by herself for most of the day, and I stopped in near the end of the day to "help with the math lesson." Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were completely independent. Each day I've been taking all three elementary kids to school and Co and S have been walking Ca to her classroom. She is VERY excited to be a big kid and go to school with her siblings and friends. She loves playing on the computer and practicing her penmanship on the iPad and playing hopscotch at recess. Sadly, because we share so little language for discussing things we can't see, she cannot tell me much about her day. She does not seem upset by the loss, but I wish we could connect about all her "schoolgirl experiences."

When I drive the kids to school, we get another half hour at home and a much more relaxed Mama. It's made getting out the door much more straightforward and stress-free than when we're trying to catch the bus. I'm trying to decide if it's okay with me for a morning drive to be our new normal. Probably should be. I have seen God's rich blessing on this transition for us all. Thank you for your prayers.

Whether it's connected to Ca's start of school, S's maturing, or simply the work of the Holy Spirit, we have had many MANY fewer tantrums from him over the last two weeks. Home has been a much more stable and calm place, and I am grateful. We worked really hard on affirming S for good choices, and noticed he began to make more of them. I feel a nudge to work really hard on affirming my other three and see what other kinds of positive changes we might see.  That brings me to my blog title... I wouldn't say that I really see 'the light at the end of the tunnel.' That would imply that I'm nearing the opening. And of course, we're just beginning this journey, so the "end" is certainly not very close at all. But the tunnel itself is getting lighter - the darkness is lessening and becoming easier to bear.    

There've been some incredible outpourings of love, encouragement, and tasty food from friends in the past two weeks, which have also provided a boost to our spirits. Thanks to all of you who have loved on us!

Here are some photos:

It wouldn't be kindergarten in October without orange tempera paint!

"po, po, po!" ("run, run, run") at recess

first full day without Mama

and a bonus - because she's cute!

The Newsy Update

In the midst of the chaos we posted about last time, we took Ca to the pediatric neurosurgeon for a consultation. We were expecting to find out about what additional surgery she would need to repair her skull and the back of her head. We learned that she would not need any additional surgery - at all, ever. We were floored. She is not fragile, and can participate in just about every activity she is likely to want to participate in (but ice hockey, for instance, is out). If she wants to have plastic surgery to reduce the lump and put hair-growing scalp in it’s place, that’s an option in the future.

In light of the unexpectedly good report, our adoption social worker helped us consider the pros and cons of putting Ca into school soon - like within the month. As a result of that conversation, we are working with the kindergarten teacher to transition Ca into school full time. Probably by the end of next week…

Ca has mostly gotten over her hair distress. Every morning for the last week, she has asked for pigtails on top of her head - either one or two. She doesn’t get distressed by the bangs in her eyes anymore. She shared tonight that she is eager for the day when her bangs are gone and her hair is long enough to wear in a ponytail in the back.

We broke the vegetable barrier this week as well. Ca will now eat a bite of green food when we ask her to. :) Not much more than a bite, but a bite. She loves pizza, meatball sandwiches, peanut butter & jelly, toast with butter & cinnamon sugar, yogurt, tangerines, and chocolate almonds. I continue to be astonished with her willingness to try new things.

Over the weekend we also encountered a new first - Ca slept in her own bed all night. The one in Co’s room. I (E) was on an adjacent mattress on the floor all night. She reports she will NOT be doing that again. You can pray for us for patience with ‘the sleep thing’.

The Hard Stuff

 

Part 1 - from B

We had a pretty miserable day Tuesday - S’s 8th birthday. We had celebrated on Monday since I’s back-to-school-night would conflict with a full celebration on Tuesday. From 5:00 on, we dealt with non-stop struggle, tantrum and conflict from varying combinations of our kids. I (B) wrote a detailed description of what happened - sort-of ‘anatomy of a miserable evening’, which was helpful for us to contemplate. We decided not to post it out of respect for our kids’ privacy. It includes name-calling, nasty faces, violence threatened and perpetrated, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and fear, and crying to sleep. And not just from the kids.

Every one of us has trouble with anger sometimes (understatement). Each person’s tantrum affects everyone else. S’s are the “worst” in that they almost always result in physical confrontation.

When S throws a tantrum and the family enters tailspin mode, it’s tempting to see S as the one getting the worst of this situation. Yes, he’s getting all sorts of “negative attention” from Mama and Daddy. But really, the rest of the kids are injured deeply in this process. It’s terrifying to see your parents lose control of themselves and not know how to parent your sibling(s). E and I are raw and our failings are on display for the kids to see. We’re broken and needy and doing a horrible job of depending on God for strength and hope (it’s so easy to become hopeless in this). It brings me to the point of tears. When we finally get S & Ca to sleep, there is a preternatural stillness about the house. The impression I have is that it’s too still, as though something were wrong. But there’s nothing wrong; not really. This is just the sigh we all make together after this kind of evening. 

And Wednesday morning began the exact same way. S has this astounding capacity to sleep through the night and wake feeling the same rage he felt before he slept. It’s as though sleep is just a pause and the morning often resumes the way the evening ended.

This past weekend during another (somewhat less) difficult time I reminded E that S - with all the marvelous blessings and all the challenges - is God’s good gift to our family. He is an embodied part of the good things God has for us. This has been a theme for the two of us; that everything we receive from God - all the things we enjoy and take delight in, and all the stuff that stings and seems to hurt us - is a part of his self-glorifying plan in which he displays his majesty. Who, after all, are we to say to God what is good and what is not?

And yet Tuesday I was nearly lost in all this. God, how can this possibly be your good plan? I’m actively hurting my children with my body and my words. S is beyond comforting. Often, so is Ca. I and Co are caught in this whirlwind - both of them trying not to burden their parents further, but also having real needs for our love and attention. And what is S feeling when he sees his parents follow him into an out of control state? How can he trust such untrustworthy people? 

When E & I started Ca’s adoption journey, we knew with a deep certainty that this was God’s will for us. It was sufficiently crazy enough to look like faith and it was confirmed for us in all sorts of ways. We knew God was behind this.

And in some deep places, thanks to God’s unreasonable goodness to us, we still know this is his plan. But when we get really honest with ourselves, we realize that it makes no sense to us. How can these awful experiences be part of God’s good gift? So we’re left trusting, but with no real grounds apart from the fact that at some time in the past we knew this was God’s path for our family. 

Here’s the thing. Tuesday’s events aren’t unusual. We have some version of this nearly every day. It’s this big usually at least once a week. And when people ask me how we’re adjusting to our new family life, these kinds of episodes play in my head. How can I possibly explain what this is like? I barely have the words. 

Weeks ago we stumbled on this article by John Piper called Don't Waste Your Cancer. It is changing the way we see our lives. But even prior to reading it I had been thinking a bit about suffering. While doing so the idea occurred to me that suffering is wasted if it isn’t endured for Christ’s glory. But what did I mean by that? (Sometimes propositions arise in my thinking that I can’t at first justify. They are hypotheses that need testing before I can assent to their validity. Sometimes these thoughts are duds. This was one of the gems.) Is suffering for Christ only reserved for missionaries or martyrs? How can I endure the hardships in my life in such a way as to honor Jesus? Another idea occurred to me at this point - that suffering for Christ demanded a public acknowledgment of His presence and power through the hardship. But that wasn’t quite right. A few moments later I thought what’s required isn’t a public proclamation, but an inner worship and dependence. We must stake our souls on him. Christ isn’t glorified if we just endure hardship in a Christ-less state, then give him praise for “bringing us through it” afterward. He must be in the middle of our experience. Any public acknowledgment (and it is right that we should proclaim Jesus to all the world through our suffering) is the natural overflow of our internal devotion and dependence. 

 

1 Peter 4:19 says “Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.” Peter wrote to exiled believers, some of whom no doubt were to become martyrs and others perhaps missionaries, but most of his audience would be neither. They were regular folks and Peter was counseling them how to suffer well. Peter told them to entrust their souls to the faithful God while doing good. This is just the thought I had before - cast your very soul on God while also continuing to do what is right. He will be honored in your heart and this will overflow it outward praise.

Lord, give me grace to suffer well and help me to lift my eyes from my light and momentary troubles and fix them on the weighty glory that I will one day behold and enjoy.

Part 2 - from E

Wednesday was full of yet more relational chaos. I told a friend before we adopted Ca that I was eager for ‘the hard stuff’ because it would help me depend on God more and see His goodness more. Wednesday morning I remembered that conversation and thought, “That was a stupid plan.” And yet, only 12 hours later, by God’s grace, I could look back at the day and see a panorama of God’s goodness. 

Let me recount: 

1.     When I was weeping from desperation and helplessness after an exceptionally difficult morning that followed an exceptionally difficult and exhausting evening, God used my feeling as though no friend could help to remind me that He is always present and always available.

2.     When I wept long and hard, and Ca was unnerved and started crying too, she climbed into my lap and let me comfort her as we cried together. 

3.     God made movies so that Ca could watch them and I could get some mental space to think and pray.

4.     God reminded me of Lamentations 3. I knew verses 22-23, and they were what popped to mind, but as I read the whole chapter I was completely floored by the perspective that God gives us our suffering as a good gift because He loves us. Meditating on it throughout the day has given me great perspective. 

5.     God helped me realize that while I might not know how some key folks in our lives can help, I can still ask them for help - maybe they have some ideas. 

6.     God provided not one, but two lengthy conversations with wise and experienced professionals who know our family well. I called them both, not expecting to reach them, and they both took more than 40 minutes out of their busy days to talk with me on the phone.

7.     Ca tolerated more than an hour of Mama on the phone!

8.     Through my conversations, God provided some next steps for us to pursue to make some long-term relational improvements.

9.     I contacted a friend who had offered to help “somehow” and made a specific request. God used her generous reply to grant me courage and remind me that I am not alone.

This season of life is hard. Really hard. But God doesn’t stop being faithful, even if we forget His faithfulness. And our family life will probably become less chaotic over time. But even if it doesn’t, God will still be faithful and good.

How you can pray

        It's been a hard two weeks. Ca still needs a lot of attention during the day, and someone nearby for much of her sleep time - so we don't have much "free time." S is still really struggling with adjusting to the new normal and he often spends much of his time at home being upset. Cooking, cleaning, and home maintenance have been very hard to keep up with. The weekend was a bit of reprieve - we got some things put away, cleaned the toilets for the first time since we got home, and the kids spent some fun time playing together. But looking towards the new week, I've lost my focus. I've forgotten that God really has called ME (and each of the Fletchers) to this new normal. I've forgotten that He will provide everything we need. This morning while receiving communion, I had the blessing to remember that my Father is still here, His church is still here, and His character does not change. I believe, help my unbelief!

       Would you pray for us to be renewed with God's strength? That His truth would give us courage, and that we would see our kids and each other the way our Heavenly Father sees?